If I disappear suddenly it will either be the Pope has sent the boys around to excommunicate me big style, or Parking Attendant Fuck-Wit has had his way and I am in jail for non payment of this fine. Actually, even though I've been well and truly shafted here I'll pay the fine if I have to. Just thought I'd see where I could go with this. As you may have gathered, I got a parking fine, even though I'd bought a ticket and it was clearly on display. I was told I'd have to write a letter after remonstrating with some gormless inbred cousin of a retarded hobbit at the Parking Centre Office.

Fuckers!

Here is the letter I sent today:

It is a mockery of a travesty of a sham that traffic wardens are allowed to goosestep throughout the land, looking for law-abiding citizens to harass. As a decent human being I have always tried to look upon the mean spirited and the dense, with a certain degree of compassion. It is beyond the largess of my generous heart in this case to extend anything but contempt for the miserable, scum sucking son of a bitch who took it upon himself to ruin, what was otherwise, a perfectly reasonable day for me.

I am not one of those people who, upon seeing a traffic warden, would turn his head away lest my eyes alight upon what is surely not the work of man. No; I look upon them and their ilk and hope that one day they will be embraced back into the bosom of the society they prey upon. Indeed, each time I see one of them, skulking in a doorway like a vulture, unloved and from a broken home, I give them a cheery smile and gesticulate, beckoning them out of the darkness and into the light.

For God knows, once, they were human like the rest of us.

And as I say, I will not pay this fine. My ticket was displayed clearly. This is unjust and I refuse to be bushwhacked by some faceless minion attempting to gather up his quota of misery before he sits down to tuck into his lunch, which no doubt, contains an unsociable amount of garlic, onion and toenails.

To pay this fine issued by the odd creature known as Parking Attendant 535 would only encourage it to skulk around the city's Car Parks, bringing the noble officials of Manchester City Council, like your good self, into disrepute. Of course, I make this appeal under the understanding that you, like me, have not sold your soul for the sake of the Parking Attendant of the Year badge with novelty pencil holder, and that you can see further than the end of your nose, not having spent the formative years of your life, trying to crawl out from under the damp and darkened rock where Attendant 535 learned to hate humanity as it walked by, blissfully unaware that he was festering away beneath the pavement, sharpening his pencil, waiting on the day when he would have an instant of gratification in an otherwise sad, barren, joyless life as a tight-fisted, white knuckled wanker of a delusional fuck-wit drunk on the miniscule sip of power he drank out of the gutter on the way to work that morning.

Hoping this appeal receives fair and prompt consideration.

Yours faithfully

Paul Donaldson


Thursday 9th June 2005

Who would have believed it. The Council relented and cancelled the fine! A victory for the little man, I told myself with a certain, pompous flourish of my ego. And then I saw the picture that came with the reply from the Council which clearly indicated, I had in fact, failed to display my ticket clearly. It was actually face down on the dashboard! So Parking Attendant 535, bless him, had been correct and I had been wrong.

The sixty pounds I saved takes the sting of my mistake away... and it just goes to show the creaky gate gets the oil.

And somebody in the Council has a very good sense of humour!

Geetan

Sheepish