A place to live
A plan
Some money
And equipment.

Really? Does this mean Al Qaida is Arabic for:

I am homeless?
Would you like to buy the Big Issue?
The Home Office is taking the piss out of us!

I have to admit, after reading the above, I did worry a bit about the quality of the advice the Government is offering. I mean, surely, there has to be some better information than the above. I looked further into the website to find myself being given this wonderful nugget of advice:

'In any type of emergency, you could lose access to power, water, telephones, and roads.'

That's fair enough. Not really terrorist activity though, more of a bit of a shit day. Or you've lost your job to bump up the shares of some guy who doesn't need the money as much as you need the work. So the privatised companies have come around and cut you the fuck off. This is serious stuff. No power, so, no television, microwave or computer. Even worse, no Internet connection, thus no porn. This fucks up the sex life of certain people, making them think about how they can get laid in real life, thus more people blow themselves up because they can't get blown by anybody else. I see no end of trouble.

Worse is to come. The Home Office advises that we need to keep certain items to hand; batteries being one, and a torch being the other. Are they crazy! If you don't have these items already, then it means you have to go out and buy some 'equipment'. You'll need some 'money' and a 'plan' for getting back to the place 'where you live'. These are the very things that are mentioned on the site as being possible signs of terrorism. You may as well just go ahead and sign your confession now.

It'll save a lot of time, and you'll be able to grass up everybody you don't like as well. Contact me and I'll give you a list of names of people who have pissed me off over the years. For example, all those people who put a finger to one nostril when walking down the road, and then blow hard, blowing what was left of good manners onto the pavement. And those bastards who buy a big car that belongs in a mountain rescue training video, and can't park it properly and take up two spaces. And those people who, when talking to you, stand so close you can smell the wax in their ears. In fact, I think we should hire the first group to discharge all over the latter. The middle group will have to live....oh wait.. my partner has just handed me a bowl of stewed plums and custard, which has totally thrown me off track...

Where was I? Oh, right... The people with those huge cars will have to live in them. The cavernous interiors will be like the old monkey enclosure I remember seeing when I was a child. The rest of us can buy tickets and watch them evolve while the car rusts around them, and then when they realise, one day, that you don't need a car the size of an elephant to drop the kids off at the school gates we'll let them out and give them a bus pass. And a good slap just in case they still don't get the idea. This is England. We left the ice age behind and you'll be bones and dust by the time the next one turns up. We don't have weather, or distances like in America. We don't need 4X4 Land Rovers clogging up the roads and unless you drop your kids off to school in the Nevada Desert, or you get your nails done in the Serengeti then get the fuck off my road!

And if you don't think I'm serious, just wait 'til I give your name in to the Security Services after they cart me away under this new Law the government wants to implement. You know the one, where an elected politician, rather than a judge, can deprive a British citizen of their liberty.

Charles Clarke, the Home Secretary wants to introduce "control orders". This is meant to curb the activities of suspected homeless people and Big Issue sellers - sorry, I mean terrorists. These control orders would mean anything from tagging suspects to placing them under what is, by any other name, house arrest. And why does the government need such a law? Well, Charlie Clarke seems to be saying, intelligence can reveal someone is a terrorist, but they cannot be prosecuted in a court of law, because the way in which the evidence was acquired is not admissible in a court of law??? Like tapping a phone for example. And also the intelligence services say they do not want their sources to be revealed.

Hold it right there Mister Clarke! Step away from the paranoia and put the legislation down. What you and the government are saying is this:

You want to be able to spy on whoever you consider to be a threat, but is that threat a threat to the government, or to the governed? They may not be the same thing. In fact I have serious doubts if they ever were. You want the power to be able to imprison people without trial and not be obliged to tell us or the person being denied their liberty, what evidence you hold against them. All this, because you consider, according to sources you don't wish to reveal, that someone is a terrorist and therefore a danger. But surely, if the government lies to the people it governs, they themselves are a threat to the people and potentially an even bigger danger. And would it not be just a little bit ludicrous for us to give you even more power? You want us to just take your word that you won't abuse this little system, after all the lies you fed us about Iraq?

My oh my, grandmother...what big teeth you've got......

How come we didn't need this law, the biggest threat to civil freedom in the UK for 300 of our Earth years, when the IRA blew the centre of Manchester off the face of the map? You'll learn about earth years when you've been on earth a little longer. I'm not sure which planet you come from, but I wish you would go back. Your rock is getting lonely without you underneath it.

There is, if reports are correct, a queue of suspects waiting to have confessions beaten out of them in Guantanamo Bay.

http://web.amnesty.org/pages/guantanamobay-index-eng .

Now, Tony Blair, our beloved Prime Minister, either has his head stuck so far up the arse of George Bush, that he can wear his kidneys as ear mufflers. That's why he can't hear his conscience scraping its nails down the blackboard of his soul. Or maybe he genuinely thinks shafting the British public is good for the country? Make us value our freedoms by taking them away? Or is he jealous of the fact that Bush didn't have to even win the first election to become president of America? When he saw the coup d'etat in America, by the halfwit son of ex-president George Bush Senior did he think, now why didn't I think of that? Did he turn to Cherie and say, that's my kind of dictator? And incidentally, if the aim of a terrorist is to overthrow the elected government, does that not make George Bush and his cronies terrorists themselves?

Hey wait a minute. I've just had an idea as to how we can use the Charlie Clarke's law to our advantage.

The home office says 'both British and foreign nationals belonging to Al Qaida cells and associated networks are currently present throughout the UK,' The Home Office also says these individuals and organisations 'are supporting the activities of terrorist groups, and that in some cases they are engaged in planning, or attempting to carry out, terrorist attacks.'

Now, I'm just wondering if supporting the activities of these terrorist groups includes recruiting new members? I would say that is a pretty important pillar of the establishment and maintenance of any terrorist network.

Top U.S. national security officials told Congress, as reported by Dana Priest and Josh White, two Washington Post Staff Writers, 'the U.S. occupation has become a potent recruiting tool for al Qaeda and other terrorist groups'

Well done Tony and George! You win the honour known in certain circles as the 'Fucking to Preserve Virginity Prize'. We invaded Iraq to find weapons of mass destruction. In an ironic twist of epic proportions, it turns out the weapons of mass destruction were dropping from the bellies of bombers you sent over there. Irony does not get better than this.

Tony Blair and George Bush are doing a great job. Between them, they have probably won the prestigious 'Recruiter of the Month' fondue set with matching detonators, more times than I care to think of. To stop Blair from doing any more damage, we should use the new law against him. Confine him to his house, cut off all contact to the outside world, including phone, email, letters, etc. Restrict his access to other people, and if need be, isolate him from the British people altogether, before he does any more damage. Don't tell him what the evidence against him is (or better still, lie, he's used to that a la Weapons of Mass Destruction).

Blair may eventually come to the conclusion that he's made a big mistake. Bush on the other hand is not convinced. "They could still be hidden, like the 50 tons of mustard gas on a turkey farm." George W. Bush, on Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, Washington, D.C., April 13, 2004

George is pretty proud of what he did. First he took over the United States without firing a shot and then he took over part of the Middle East, again without personally firing a shot. He proved his bravery during 9/11 by showing he wasn't afraid of looking like an idiot by being paralysed with fear during the attack on America on that day. I was so surprised to see him sitting there while his country was being attacked, reading kiddie books. I always thought he couldn't read, but there you are. He's full of surprises, like when he said, earlier this year at the White House in January 2005, 'who could have possibly envisioned an erection? an election in Iraq at this point in history'

To which I say, who could have envisioned such an election in the White House, at this point in history. Oh, wait, did I say election? I'm sorry. I meant to say erection. Bush and Blair are doing more than anybody to make the world a worse place to live in. George even says it himself.

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

God save us from these fucking lunatics who are running the planet!

The Home office goes on to say 'some of these terrorists have received military and specialist terrorist training in camps overseas'. Such intensive, comprehensive training may have included, 'don't forget to wear clean underpants on your big day', but obviously didn't include the words, 'you'll also need a place to live, some money, some equipment and a plan, so sort that out before you go'. These highly trained terrorists must have done a Homer Simpson, slapped a bloodstained hand on greasy foreign foreheads, and went 'Doh! We've got the anthrax, the atomic bomb shaped like a novelty nuclear donkey, the Weapons of Mass Destruction, the exploding underpants and a plan to unleash a secret weapon that people will stick in their mouths, set fire to it, and then die horribly of cancer years later. Oh, wait, we can't do that. Someone has already done it'.

It's a ridiculous scenario I admit, so I was happy to see that the Home Office is up to speed with the latest intelligence. That is latest, as in late, as in not here now, as in behind, as in slow, as in backward, as in not very clever. Are we, if we let the Government curtail our civil liberties by telling us bogey man stories along the lines of. 'A significant number of terrorist attacks have been thwarted in the UK since 11 September 2001.'

Really. That's fantastic. Well done. How many have you foiled in total? I've foiled three myself today. We can swap notes. I'll send you some crayons so you can draw diagrams. Nothing too sharp though. I wouldn't want you accidentally stabbing yourself in your lying heart and dying with a lie on your conscience.

Geetan
March 14th 2005

Waiting to be carted off...

Incidentally,if you want some good stuff on Bush, the president not the weed, go to the link below. This is where the pictures I used here came from. Go and have a wry smile...

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blbushpictures.htm

A LAST WORD