THE
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What is the meaning of Life?

No, Idea. I was hoping at some point one of you could tell me. At the time when I was making it I didn’t think… what does this mean?  I just did it. I mean, when you are making a cup of coffee, you don’t say to yourself, now what does this mean, do you? You just do it.

What is Free Will?

It’s something I gave to humans so that I wouldn’t get the blame for everything. I was advised to do this by my lawyer, Beelzebub.

Beelzebub is your lawyer?

Well, he was, but I couldn’t afford the bills.

He was too expensive for God?

Yes. He absolutely charged the earth.

Why do people have to die?

I like to recycle, and beside, too many of you don’t write or phone or pray so it’s the only way I get to see a lot of you. I dust you off and then next thing you know, you appear between the legs of some nice lady wondering what happened. I admit, it must be confusing for you. In one instance you go toward the light, and you end up in one of the heaven worlds, and in the other instance you follow the light and end up getting slapped by a stranger. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Bad things are basically like those yellow sticky notes you find in offices. I put them there to remind you that no matter what you are, where you are or who you are, life on earth is a temporary state.

You mean you put starvation on earth, as a sort of sticky note?

No. I put hunger in your belly to remind you to eat. Starvation is what happens when you don’t share. That has nothing to do with me.

Why don’t people share?

People do share. Well, at least the majority do; the great majority in fact. It is only the few who choose not to share. Unfortunately it is those few who actually own most of the planet; temporarily I may add, because they get recycled too.

When you say people are recycled, are you talking about reincarnation?

Yes. Nothing is ever wasted except for those little chocolate covered toffee things in a bag of Revels.  You don't expect them to be so hard in amongst all the soft ones, you lose your fillings.

Really?

No. That was a joke.

Oh… shall I ask the next question?

Please do, but if you don’t get the cosmic jokes, how on earth do you expect to understand the Cosmic Joke?

What is the Cosmic Joke?

Ask your holy men. They can tell you, but you know a joke is never the same when it’s explained.

Eh…right. Well, the next question is, can you tell me the difference between good and evil?

I can. Let me see. Evil sells newspapers and Goodness doesn’t.

I was hoping for something a bit more specific.

Okay. Evil is misplaced energy. Fire in a hearth is good, fire beneath a bed is bad.

Right; eh… aren’t you quoting somebody there?

Yes; and why not. People quote me all the time. Or should I say, misquote me. For example, I never said, ‘let there be light,’

You didn’t?

 No. Not at all; what I said was, ‘let there be light entertainment.’ Next thing I knew I was in the top ten of best selling books; still waiting on the royalty cheque by the way.

Is money the root of all evil?

No; only when too much of it is in the wrong hands. You remember what I said about evil being misplaced energy? Money represents energy expended by an individual. If that individual receives what his labour is truly worth, then all is well. If however, a man has money sitting in a bank, and it is accumulating money through interest, even though he himself is doing nothing extra to earn it, then that is misplaced energy. Money does not magically appear out of nothing, to pay the interest of a wealthy man. Somebody has to expend their life energy to earn it. In this way a man can have a family to feed, and also a wealthy man's bank account to support. While I’m on the subject, don’t you think it’s ironic that the more shares a person has, the less likely that person is to want to share the profit generated with other people.

Are you a Socialist?

No; but I used to have a beard like Marx until he got recycled.

Who did Marx reincarnate as?

 I’m sorry but that is covered under the data protection act guaranteeing anonymity to people who have reincarnated.

Why is that?

Well, just imagine if the world learned that Elvis had reincarnated, for example, as Edith Davenport, presently residing at 62, Samwell Avenue in Bournemouth, England. Just imagine the queue for autographs. It’s hard enough to find a parking space as it is. No, people need a fresh start. The consciousness that experienced life as Elvis has moved on because it needed to. Not so much a case of, Elvis has left the building, as the witness to the incarnation of Elvis has left the body. It will do a comeback tour, like the 68 special, but not as Elvis. Each incarnation is unique to the consciousness in question just as each meal is unique to the body. When the consciousness that passed through the life of Elvis reincarnates, nobody will know.

Why did Elvis do all those crap films?

I don’t know. Even I was baffled by that one in my infinite wisdom. He made me promise not to ask. I said, ‘okay, Elvis, I can do that for you. But in return, next time I create a universe, instead of me just saying, ‘the Word, and the Word was made flesh, how about you singing a medley of your greatest hits?’ Elvis agreed, but not before I promised to bring Colonel Parker up from hell. The colonel was down there being made to dance on a hot plate by a large chicken. Did you know that he used to do that to chickens when he worked in the carnivals?

Yes, I did actually.

Oh. Right… very good; you may proceed with the next question.

Who is wiser, man or woman?

Hmm; I’m never too sure about this one; I’ll have to ask my wife and get back to you later.

Your wife.  Don’t tell me you’re married!

Well, not exactly. We’re not married, but She is my other half.

How come we don’t read about your other half in the Bible?

Because it was written by men.

Well, why didn’t women write any of the Bible?

They would have done, but they were busy cooking, raising the children, working in the fields, washing clothes and not being constantly distracted by having a penis.

Do women lead men into temptation?

I should hope so. I spent enough time making them beautiful and giving them those nice bits that jiggle when they move.

Is the Bible an accurate depiction of the history of Mankind?

I don’t know. I’ve not read it. Is it good?

That depends on your point if view. I presumed you had read it because you quoted from it.

No. I got the general gist of it and a couple of quotes from watching Songs of Praise. I rather like that one. That and Gardeners World; marvellous stuff. I wish I'd had Alan Titchmarsh in the Garden of Eden.

Would that have stopped Adam eating the apple?

No, but at least my Begonias would have done a little better.

I’m rather surprised to discover that you watch television.

Yes. Well, I catch the odd thing when I’ve got a few minutes to spare.

What programmes do you watch?

This and that; I like nature programmes. I tend to avoid the news though.

I take it that’s because you are omnipresent and know all things?

No. I find it rather depressing.

Oh; is there anything else you watch?

Let me see. Oh yes; I saw a programme with American TV Evangelists. I found it quite interesting; all that enthusiasm and the tension, wondering when the toupee is going to fall off. Very entertaining but… I must say, one thing confuses me and you might be able to help me with it.

Yes?

Yes. Who are they talking about?

I beg your pardon?

Those preachers; they go on about some Supreme Being burning sinners. He sounds like an absolute nutcase; vaguely familiar though. I was wondering if I’d ever met him?

It’s you. The evangelists are talking about you.

Surely not. What they are talking about is a wrathful God. I’m just not like that at all. I’m the one who put free food on the planet for everyone to eat, remember. I gave pussy cats catnip for Christ sake. Does that sound like a wrathful God to you?

No. Now you mention it, it doesn’t. Why do you think mankind has such trouble with religion?

You’re all a little bit thick. You’re the idiot offspring of the universe.

That’s a bit harsh as judgements go.

No it isn’t. Just look at the facts. I sent my Son to you with a message. That message was two fold; the first fold was ‘be nice to each other’, and the second fold was, ‘carpentry is a good career for a young man.’ Mankind completely got it wrong. The ‘be nice’ message was carried around the world at the point of a sword. Now if that doesn’t prove you’re all a bit thick I don’t know what does.

Okay. I admit you have a point but surely we’re not that bad?

Don’t get me wrong. You’re not bad, by and large, just a little stupid. Take the carpentry issue, for example. The idea was, like I say, to show mankind that carpentry is a good career, and moneylending is a bad career. That’s why Jesus threw them out of the temple. Carpentry good; Moneylending bad; and what does mankind do? Instead of making carpentry a world religion, people make a religion of money and moneylending. Mind you, what can you expect? Mankind can’t even get the date of Christ’s birthday correct, so how we expected you to get the message without making a mess of it, I don’t know.

Is the Messiah going to return and rectify this?

Who? The Messiah? Never heard of him.

You can’t be serious.

True. That’s just my little joke. The Messiah, yes, well, I’m not too sure that’s a good idea, sending you another Messiah. Look what you did with the last one. He was only there a few years and you broke him.

Yes. Terribly sorry about that.

So you should be. Messiahs are for life, you know, not just for Christmas. It wasn’t rocket science was it? It was very simple but you got it wrong.