GEETAN


The scene:

Hitler greets Pope Benedict at the Pearly Gates; not Peter. Peter was downsized and refused to reapply for his old job that now carried a smaller pay cheque. So, he retired. He does a little gardening; a little bowling. Jesus comes to visit every now and then. Sometimes with a new set of dining room chairs. Knowing a carpenter comes in quite handy sometimes. Peter is hoping for a set of chess pieces but knows Jesus is usually busy, what with the world being in the state it is.

Herr Hitler bows slightly toward the new arrival. He likes to stand by the gate just to make sure no undesirables get in. He is quite pleased to see a fellow German; Pope Benedict. He has heard that the Pontiff was once in the Hitler Youth. Of course, it wasn’t something that the young Pope to be, could have refused. The child would have had no choice. Still, it gives Hitler a warm glow to know this much of the Pope’s history.
‘Welcome’ Hitler says, holding his hands behind his back. The tremor in his hands had still not left him.

The Pope is, shall we say, surprised to see him.

Hitler steps aside and says ‘please. Enter’ He is enjoying the reaction to his presence and continues to address the Pope as if it was nothing out of the ordinary.

The Pope steps forward warily, and asks ‘where is Peter?’

Hitler shrugs, dismissively, ignoring the question. Instead he waves a finger, smiling.

‘I saw those pictures of you on the balcony after you were elected Pope. I was very impressed.’ Hitler mimicked the Pope; a little stiffly, arms raised, looking at the Pontiff, as if waiting for approval. ‘I like the way you held two arms up in the air, toward the crowds. I think that maybe that’s where I went wrong’.

‘I beg your pardon?’ the Pope says, gathering his wits about him

‘I say, you held two arms up in the air, and I only held one. It was…’
‘What are you doing here?’
Hitler ignored the question, a little irritated at the interruption. He continued. ‘And of course you don’t goosestep. You dodder. And yet so many people love you. They would do anything for you.’

‘I am a humble shepherd’

‘And I was a corporal’

‘Not just a corporal, as I remember, Herr Hitler,’ snaps the Pope. The formidable old man, known as God’s Rottweiler while he was alive, draws himself up in righteous indignation and, coldly, asks ‘why are you here? You led the world into war. Millions died because of you. You actively sought the death of so many with your hate and your lies. I always thought hell would become your new bunker for eternity. Has the Lord God forgiven you so quickly? I…what you are doing in heaven?’

‘The same as you, I expect. We get the heaven we deserve. You stood by, while the wars of the world sent more people to heaven and hell than my war ever did. Wars of hate raged. Wars for oil called for blood. Wars of poverty and disease threw the poor of the world onto the sacrificial fires of the industrialists. Hunger slowly devoured children and women and men and babies. Certainly, I sought the death of my enemies, but you are a man of God. You were the representative of Christ on the earth. No man is your enemy. And yet you stood by and watched them all die. You stood by and did nothing.’

The Pope, aghast, was speechless for a moment as the truth hit him.

‘But…’ he mumbled, ‘this cannot be true. Why then, am I in heaven?’

Hitler smiled, slyly, and moved toward the Pope, licking his dry lips with a rasping, forked tongue.
‘Has anybody ever told you how…attractive, you are in that dress?

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