I’m not a great enthusiast of religion, as a lot of you may be aware from reading my thoughts over the years. I think of most religions as being as much of a hindrance to the growth and happiness of mankind, as they are a help. In particular, the brand of Christianity run from the Vatican is my particular bugbear, what with me being a Catholic. I do believe there was a man called Jesus, and he was overshadowed by what we know as the Christ. I may be wrong, I grant you that. I believed in Santa Claus until I was 32. I also believe the spirit of Christ can act through men, no matter what their religious affiliation. I also think that the spirit of Christ survived in the world despite organised religion, and not because of it. Organised religion turned the crucifix into the world’s best known corporate logo. However, there is one thing which the Roman Catholic Church has over Scientology, and that is it wasn’t started by Ron Hubbard.

Ron Hubbard started his own religion, called Scientology. Scientologists claim that they have the answer for the growth and happiness of mankind.

Personally, I think that anyone who says you can only be saved through me and my church is talking out of his arse, and by that I don’t mean the person in question happens to be the world’s finest ventriloquist. What I mean is that person is a smug, egocentric fool whose religion consist not of that which they know, but is the sum total of their ignorance. This sort of person makes the grandiose announcement that they have found the answer to the human happiness, and then spend their time making a lot of people unhappy, trying to prove it. Ron Hubbard was one of those people. Of course some people have found what he said useful, and have implemented the techniques he espoused. Tom Cruise for example. He has used the Scientology method to become happy and successful, despite the disadvantage of already being successful, having millions of dollars in the bank, a thriving career and nuclear teeth.

If Scientology worked for Tom, then why shouldn’t you become a Scientologist?

Before I give you my answer, let’s look at the guy who started it all, Ron Hubbard. The guy is dead now, of course, I expect he is in heaven right now speaking to Jesus. No doubt he is trying to get him to sign up to the Church of Scientology to sort his head out. On second thoughts, Jesus was relatively poor and probably wouldn’t be able to afford it. I expect Ron would have considered him a loser who would rather help people than become a successful carpenter with thriving franchises all over the Middle East.

Rumour has it by the way, that Tom Cruise has been told that he is the ‘messianic’ equivalent to Jesus in the Scientology movement, as if Jesus was nothing more than the public relations man for Christianity. Jesus wasn’t even a Christian. He was Jewish, which means his foreskin is probably in a town in Spain someplace displayed as a holy relic.

Tom Cruise, in Messianic role as the Scientology’s Jesus, heralds the benefits of Scientology. Though, to be a little more accurate, he would actually be Scientology's St Paul rather than Jesus. Jesus didn’t start a religion. In fact, Jesus was exactly the kind of person the church warns us about; a man who associated with criminals and prostitutes. Jesus was the kind of person who threw the moneylenders out of the church whereas the church threw Jesus out and brought in the moneylenders. Why else would the Vatican have its own bank?

I admit that there are other similarities between Tom Cruise and Jesus. Both of them have large fan clubs, for one, though if you didn’t want to be in the Tom Cruise fan club in the Middle Ages you weren’t in danger of being denounced and burned at the stake. One area in which Jesus wins out over Tom Cruise is that Jesus was the Son of God, whereas Tom only thinks he is. As for miracles, well, Jesus performed quite a few, whereas Tom is still reading the script though rumours are that he lost the plot just after he appeared on our screens with a new set of teeth.

Tom Cruise is the most famous member of the church founded by Ron Hubbard. Hubbard was one of those people described as ‘larger than life.’ This is according to the official Scientology biographies. To the rest of us this means, ‘a bit of a twat.’ He was also the world's most published author, but the book that heralded his future notoriety was one called Dianetics. It was a self help book which led ultimately to Ron Hubbard helping himself to a rather extravagant lifestyle.

It was in this book that he introduced the technique called ‘auditing.’ This is a question and answer session between two people which focuses on painful memories, such as the time you signed up for a course of Dianetics. If you had have realised at the time, that it was a very expensive way of buying other peoples ideas, reheated, stir fried, repackaged and flavoured with a dollop of science fiction, you wouldn’t have bothered.
This rehashing of ideas is something that Hubbard claimed was ‘a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his inventions of the wheel and arch.’ It would be interesting to ask a prehistoric man if he would like a nice fire to keep him warm or a copy of Ron Hubbard’s book. I expect he would take the book. It would have to do until someone invented proper toilet paper. Comparing Dianetics to the discovery of fire is slightly deranged, in my humble opinion. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if just before Ron had his picture taken, supposedly writing with a feathered quill, he was actually writing with the whole chicken.

So, apart from his grandiose claim about the importance of Dianetics, what else does Ron have to say for himself? Well, according to Ron, humans were brought to earth by the ruler of the Galactic Confederacy 75 million years ago. Not only that, but illness is caused by alien souls being stuck on humans like barnacles after being blown up by hydrogen bombs and volcanoes. Adam and Eve, if you believe that particular story in the bible, must have wondered what all the noise was.

I know, Ron Hubbard’s take on the origin of the species is a little ridiculous; but, to be fair to the Scientologists, most religions are just as ridiculous when presented in a certain way. Take Christianity for example. It’s based on a belief in an all powerful, omnipotent, forgiving, loving God who got pissed off because the world’s first hippies stole his favourite apple. So, He threw them out of the Garden of Eden. Then, when He’d calmed down a bit, God then sent his only Son, who was a carpenter, (good money and regular hours Son) to atone for our sins. We crucified the Son of God, naturally, for being nice to people and so the world continues to suffer wars and famine until we find another, more constructive hobby. Mind you, the Messiah's face appears on the occasional piece of toast as a sign that God still loves us.

Most other religions say the way to salvation, peace and happiness is through prayer and good works. With Scientology, the path to salvation is through cash. This isn’t to say that their only concern is cash. They also take cheques and credit cards.

Using the methods of Scientology salvation is achieved by becoming ‘clear’ of the past. Funnily enough, if you become clear of the past, including the money you owe them, they will have you in court faster than you can say ‘cult.’

Scientologists use an ‘E-Meter’ to detect the alien mass surrounding you. Just in case you forgot, these are left over from the exploding volcanoes and hydrogen bombs 75,000,000 years ago. The E-Meter is an instrument somewhat like a lie detector and it is used to see if you need their services or not. I presume it also has a device in it to stop the Scientologist testing you from laughing his arse off when you sign up for a course of ‘treatment’ on the strength of it. You may also end up paying for it with your life.

The end result of the treatment is two fold; (a) you are many, many thousands of pounds poorer and (b) you get rid of your alien squatters and you become ‘clear.’ This means you are free of all past negative influences and can live your life to the full. If you wish to jump up and down on Oprah Winfrey’s sofa in front of millions of couch potatoes you are free to do so, secure in the knowledge that you have gotten rid of your aliens; and a huge chunk of your fan club.

Does Scientology work? Can it really clear your attachment to past transgression and trauma? Well, according to Scientologists Ron Hubbard had attained the enlightened state of ‘clear,’ by the time he died. He was 74. Surprisingly, he didn’t die laughing all the way to the bank. Rumour has it that he had a stroke. It doesn’t actually say what he was stroking at the time. The Church of Scientology claims that he didn’t die as such, but merely ‘discarded the body.’ This was so he could do ‘higher level spiritual research’, unencumbered by mortal confines. In other words he was also a litter lout as well as an astute, if unscrupulous businessman.

Hubbard made a practice of discarding things that became a hindrance to him, like his body. He also abandoned his first wife and children and married another woman. He was thus married to two women at the one time.

Speaking of wives, Tom Cruise is married to Katie Holmes. She became a Scientologist because Tom was one. If he had have been a trainspotter, she would have been out there beside him in her anorak with her bobble hat and notepad, looking forward to a nice hot cup of Bovril. Shortly after the marriage, her pregnancy was announced. Rather surprisingly, considering Tom’s new found spiritual grandeur in the eyes of Scientology, she didn’t give birth in a stable; but only because the Scientologists couldn't find three wise men. They did find two who were moderately intelligent but they refused to have anything to do with an organisation that offered enlightenment on an instalment plan.

Katie Holmes gave birth in silence and without the aid of medication. This was Tom’s idea, or should I say, the long dead Ron Hubbard’s idea. The idea of a silent birth is one of Ron Hubbard’s little gems. Hubbard said that words in particular should be avoided during birth, because they would be associated with the trauma of birth later on in life. This is particularly true if those words are, ‘he’s got the milkman’s nose.’ Personally, I think at the moment of birth, all those assembled should shout, ‘Scientology is a load of old cock!’ That way the child will avoid getting involved in a cult and just take drugs like normal kids. Hubbard also advised against breast feeding. Women, in particular must have thought, on Katie’s behalf, ‘okay, no breast-feeding, but what do you do if your husband is a complete tit?’

Tom Cruise, I am sure, has never ever passed a bowling bowl out of his cloacae, but if he did, I’m sure he would want something more than a religious fanatic holding his hand for comfort. He echoed the words of Hubbard, saying it was important that Katie did not cry out during the labour and subsequent birth because it would alarm the baby. I don’t know about you, but I imagine the baby will be alarmed enough when it finds out his dad is a complete and utter twat who thinks he has aliens stuck to his arse; like barnacles on the bottom of a ship; the Titanic, possibly. Katie, bless her, agreed to do this, no doubt for the love of her child and also because women do the most inexplicable things for the man they love; like not shooting him, for example.

I expect it hasn’t occurred to Tom that the baby is actually attached to Katie via an umbilical chord. Whatever distress Katie feels, like pain or fear, the baby will feel. Her hormones are the baby’s hormones. Those little chemical messengers will be coursing through the blood with the song of her labour. In the symbiotic state between mother and child, crying out is only a vocalisation of what she is going through, but her silence does not change that fact. I like to think that before she agreed to this for Tom, that she would only do without the medication and howling like a banshee on the condition that she could hold Tom's testicles in a show of solidarity.

Now, I don’t know if the first born of Tom and Katie is a boy or a girl or an extra-terrestrial for that matter. I do wonder though, if it is a girl, whether Tom would be happy to know that his daughter waited hand and foot on a man who had been accused by his former wives of systematic mental, physical and emotional abuse; accused by his own son of being a Satanist; a man who studied and practiced black magic and walked the left hand path. I expect not, so I wonder how comfortable they are at the idea of other people's daughters doing this? In 1967 Hubbard appointed himself "Commodore" of a small fleet of ships. All of the crew were Scientologists and they spent almost a decade travelling around the Mediterranean. Hubbard, the man Scientologists regard as being some sort of saviour for mankind and an enlightened being, was waited on by teenage girls dressed in white hot pants. No doubt the hot pants will be explained as being suitable dress due to the heat; nothing to do with Hubbard being a lecherous old man. The fact that they bathed him and even caught the ash of his cigarettes is a little harder to explain, unless he was also an arrogant, lazy bastard as well as a con man. Perhaps the girls did it because they loved him though I expect the brutal regime, in which even these children could and were, bound, blindfolded and thrown overboard into the sea forty feet below was also an incentive to be particularly attentive to his needs.

Whilst at sea, inbetween having his back rubbed by children in hot pants and throwing them overboard, Hubbard, the saviour of humankind, formed an organisation called ‘Sea Org.’ Surprisingly, considering Hubbard’s fondness for girls young enough to be his granddaughters, this is not short for Sea Organ, but Sea Organisation. This became the management group within the Scientology Empire; no doubt they have better things to be doing with your money than you have. Of course, being dead, or at the very least, having discarded the body to do a spot more research, there is no danger of Tom and Katie’s baby having to dress scantily for the gratification of an old man and his ‘sea org’; unless of course she becomes a lap dancer.
Am I perhaps, being a little too harsh with Ron? No, fuck him. He was a manipulative shithead then, and now he’s dead he’ll be trying to con the angels out of their wings and asking the Virgin Mary to try on a pair of hot pants. That is, on the assumption that (a) there is a heaven (b) they’ve never heard of him (c) Jesus forgives Ron for saying that the Son of God was a paedophile.

The Gnostics will also be there to sue him for ripping off their ideas and claiming them as his own. Hubbard claimed that humans (Thetans in Scientology speak; cretins in mine) had aliens (or body Thetans) attached to them, distorting our outlook and growth, hiding our true nature. This is supposed to be an idea that Hubbard, alone amongst humankind, discovered; but thousand of years before Hubbard crawled out from beneath a rock the Gnostics stated ‘while on this earth, man is plagued by many difficulties which lessen his real abilities and being. One problem to us all is that within each of our bodies is a plethora of spirits or souls, causing us harm.’

Now, regardless of where the ideas came from, if we are covered in aliens or spirits, isn’t it a good thing that the Church of Scientology is dedicated to getting rid of them? Perhaps it would be, if that was the goal of Scientology, but it isn’t. Scientology is a business. Its goal is to make money, so that it can make money, which can be used to make money which can be channelled into making money to bring more money into the banks accounts of the Church of Scientology that are full of money so they can use it to make more money. Perhaps they believe money is the root of all evil and want to save us from ourselves by making sure they have all of it?

Scientology isn’t a church. It’s a business. It’s only called a church because of the tax concessions and protections this affords it. Hubbard himself says calling Scientology a religion solves ‘a problem of practical business.’ Being thought of as a religion is ‘more equitable... with what we've got to sell.’

So, it’s a business. There is nothing wrong with that. It masquerades as a church, which is a bit of a dubious practice. But is that any reason why you should hesitate in trusting your mental and emotional wellbeing to the business/Church of Scientology? It was after all given to the world by a man who the Scientologists claim is the ‘The Friend of Mankind.’ And as a friend of mankind I presume he would be someone who mankind could trust. If we are to take Hubbard’s word that Scientology is the way each individual can save himself then he has to be a man of his word.

The words he used to describe himself were these; he was a much decorated war hero, commanded a corvette squadron, was awarded the Purple Heart, cured himself with the Dianetic technique after being crippled and blinded, worked for the U.S. Naval Intelligence Service to break up a black magic ring in California, graduated from George Washington University and was an atomic physicist.

It’s all a lie. None of it is true. The image he tried to project was as much a work of fiction as his novels. In fact, not only was he not sent to break up a black magic ring in California, he was an active, willing member of it, though notorious occultist Aleister Crowley, described him as ‘a lout.’ If even the man who was known as ‘the Beast’ says you’re a bit of a shit, it doesn’t say much for you, does it.

As an occultist, Hubbard made several thousand dollars disappear along with himself. If there is no honour amongst thieves, there is, apparently even less amongst Satanists; especially the ones who start their own religions and charge thousands of dollars for membership.

So, we asked, at the beginning of this essay, should you become a Scientologist? This is my answer. If you want to join it, then I say good luck to you. There are some people for whom the experience can be a positive one. Even ditch water can sometimes quench your thirst if you are thirsty.

Hubbard claimed the only salvation for mankind was to bring Scientology to people everywhere. By this, I presume he means those with a bank account seeing as it is so expensive. What happens to those who can’t afford it... your guess is as good as mine. Maybe they can be employed to catch cigarette ash; and if anybody disagrees with the Scientologists view of how humanity can be saved, like me for instance, they become targets for the Church to undermine. This is an official Scientology policy. Psychologists, doctors and even family members who are concerned at how their loved ones are involved in a cult/church are considered fair game.

It’s rather insidious, really. Scientology doesn’t even have to attack its opponents directly. What it does, is tell its suckers... sorry supplicants, that everything other than Scientology is at best, negative and misguided, and at the very worst, evil. Scientology stirs up the emotional problems of people ostensibly to clear these emotional ‘sticking points.’ Its method includes fasting. This is something which serves to undermine the cognitive and emotional wellbeing of the individual, which makes them even more vulnerable to an organisation that was formed for the singular purpose of making one man dead rich; now of course, he’s just dead, and it is the organisation that is rich. In the process of ‘helping’ people it puts them in an extremely vulnerable position where they need someone to talk to. Having been told that anything other than Scientology is evil or negative, the victim distrusts all other sources of information and support and is reliant on the organisation. (more information here)

I ask you this. If you thirst for the truth, then ask yourself, what is the motive of the person who will sell me the answer? You know how the saying goes. It is as hard for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven as it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. If that is true, then surely reaching your own personal heaven on an instalment plan is just as ridiculous.

The lives of the great Teachers, the true friends of humanity, are there to be studied and emulated if you wish to search for answers. You don’t have to. They teach by living the answer and not by having girls in hotpants catch their cigarette ash. The names are many; Shivapuri Baba, Jesus, Vivekananda, Ramana Maharshi, Buddha, Paramahansa Yogananda and if you want, even the Lone Ranger. They ask for nothing other than that we show compassion and forgiveness and love one another. They leave their footprints behind for us to walk in, if we so choose. It costs nothing. Well... perhaps a little humility.

Now, before I go any further, I don’t want you to think I’m picking on Tom Cruise. My mother told me when I was nine years old, not to pick on people who were smaller than me. Tom was smaller than me then, and he’s a lot smaller than me now, so believe me when I say, I’m not picking on him. Depending on your point of view, he’s either a giant amongst men or a midget amongst actors. Whatever it is, I wonder what it was that made him embrace Scientology. It obviously filled some void in his head... sorry, I mean life. What is it that was missing from his life... ridicule, maybe? I don’t know. He is, after all espousing the virtues of a church founded by a man who said, ‘writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion.’

And so he did.