Busy Slothing

Hello.

I'm writing to complain about discrimination. I think it's so unfair the way panda's are given preferential treatment. I'm not a panda bear, by the way. No; I'm not typing with one paw, if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against pandas. Some of my best friends are pandas. At least, they would be if they could be bother getting up off their big furry bottoms and socialising. Let’s face it; they are very lazy. They don't hear the 'call of the wild' like the rest of us. They've switched off nature's alarm clock; the one that says if you don’t do ‘it’ more often, your species is going to die out. In the case of pandas it’s more the 'call of the mild.' What else can you say about a species that would rather chew bamboo than do the hokey cokey?

The amazing thing is this. Science is bending over backwards to help the panda in the romantic department, even down to producing a Panda Viagra. Personally this annoys the hell out of me. I mean, let's face it, if I'm not getting any, I can't ring the World Wild Life fund and ask them to send around a couple of hot babes for me, can I. I can chew all the bloody bamboo I want but it still doesn't make any difference does it. Any other creature that sits around on it’s fat arse, eating all day eventually ends up on Oprah talking about how it can’t seem to lose weight, despite all the diet coke it guzzles.

Sure, I sleep eighteen hours a day, but that's because I'm a Sloth. I can't help it. Nature made me that way. So I get four hours in which to eat, wash, defecate, do the crossword and if I'm lucky and don't nod off, have a spot of humpty tumpty, and even then she'll probably nod off before I get her fur off, so to speak. Mind you, I'm not complaining; well, not about that anyway. The fact that the laziest creature on the planet has thousands of scientists and fund-raisers pimping for him is none of my business. It's just that I think it would be fair if a little more attention was paid to the needs of, well, me.

So, here it is. I can sort out the sex for myself. Like I said, I'm no panda. What I would like is this; a remote control; you see, by the time I get up and make my way over to change the channel, it’s taken so long to get there, my program has finished.

Yours truly,

Mr Sloth