Squirrel On The Wirral

Why did he turn to crime? Nobody knows, except for the fact that he was never in trouble with the police before. Then one day, for some reason, he lost it; lost it big style. People said he’d been hanging around, hiding in the bushes, living in the local park. Admittedly, that isn’t unusual for a squirrel. The fact that he went postal and attacked several people is unusual.

I read the story in the paper a couple of weeks ago in the local paper and the story stuck in my mind, like these things do. My attention was caught by a line which said, ‘squirrel gave policeman a nasty nip.’ I wondered what a squirrel was doing handing around pictures of Emperor Hirohito before I realised the squirrel had in fact gone postal.

It was reported as having attacked a jogger who was running through the park. I expect he ran a lot faster when he suddenly discovered he had a mad rat with a pony tail attached to his arse.

After a couple of days with the squirrel on the rampage the police were called in. It took two of them to apprehend our furry felon, with an extremely long pair of tongs, normally used for catching mad dogs. They locked it away in the local police station, presumably in a little cell, while they waited for a vet to come and examine it. Possibly it had rabies. Personally I think it was on drugs; mainlining hazelnuts perhaps, or even snorting conkers.

It will remain idle speculation though, because the squirrel was found dead the next morning. The police say they have no idea why it died.

Fell, down the stairs, probably…