I’m declaring war on the United States of America.

Get a catchy slogan

Kill the people you want to liberate

Sharpen pencil

Steal the oil

Carpet bombing

Lie a lot

Get Allies

Call anyone who questions the need for war a traitor

Destroy the infrastructure of your country

Give the contract to rebuild it to my mates

Pay them billions of dollars

Install a puppet government and call it democracy

Have big lies splashed across the headlines

Print retractions months later in very small print

Admittedly, not much of a plan so far, but it makes more sense than the one with which Iraq was invaded. Incidentally, I took carpet bombing off the list because my mother tried it once, and it still didn’t get the stain off the carpet. She couldn't afford CNN like the government so she just used a rug to cover it up instead.

Seeing as it’s you I’m trying to liberate, I’d appreciate it if you had any ideas about how to make my army larger. I also need the legitimacy provided by having allies in my crusade. This is a great idea and it also means I can swap recipes with whatever country joins the crusade. I got this idea from the allies Bush had during the recent invasion of Iraq; the coalition of the willing they called it. There were a few countries you’d heard of, England for one. Then there were a host of other countries with names you’d never even heard of, unless you were playing some twat who was going for a high score in Scrabble; or you were shipwrecked on a desert island for twenty years with only an atlas to read; or you were desperate to give your invasion a suggestion of legitimacy.

My Coalition of the Willing

1. Iceland – this is actually a shop that sells frozen foodstuff, but it’s a start

2. Brazil – apparently there are more Avon ladies in Brazil than there are soldiers. The soldiers can stay in Brazil. The Avon ladies are the kind of recruit I’m looking for

3. Ireland – I told them it was a party and the drinks were on me

4. Lapland – will provide the lap dancers

5. Poland – will provide the pole dancers

6. Never Never Land – I told Michael Jackson it was a children’s crusade like in the Middle Ages in the hope that he would get behind me. After a little reflection I decided it would be safer if he stood beside me.

7. Greece – I’m trying to get the whole cast to sign up with Olivia Neutron Bomb as our weapon of Mass Distraction in those tight black pants she wore in the film

8. Wales – one large fish with a faulty blow hole

9. And lastly a man called Brian who lives on his own, on an island east of Krakatoa who was getting lonely. He was also sick of reading his atlas and wanted to see the world.

Oh, we also need an obese man from Czechoslovakia to sort out the finance for the war. The war in Iraq cost billions of dollars and continues to do so. That’s why we need a big fat Czech. (I checked to see if jokes like this were banned by the Geneva Convention. Apparently they’re not, but what goes on in Guantanamo Bay is. That’s not funny either.)

Of course, liberating you is not the only reason I have declared war. The United States has weapons of Mass Destruction. My weapons inspector, Hans Weetablix (a man of high moral fibre who soon gets to the bottom of things as he quickly passes through) has confirmed that they do in fact exist. True; a lot of them, technically speaking are not actually in the country. Bush arranged somehow to have people in other countries hide them for him. Admittedly he didn’t do a good job. Dropping them out of planes from such a height was bound to make them explode; that, and fitting them with detonators. That was just asking for trouble. Speaking of which, I think the U.N. may not give me the mandate for the war. I think it fair to say, if the British government and the American government can say, fuck them, we’re going to war anyway, so can I.

I’m also going to tell a lot of lies to get the public to support me. Bush said the Iraqis were ‘six months away from developing nuclear weapons’. We know it was a lie for two reasons:

He said the information came from the International Atomic Energy Agency, which they denied.

His lips were moving.

He also said,’ what more proof do we need?’ to which other people replied, how about the truth? Bush and co. accused of putting the country at risk by questioning the need to invade a country that had nothing to do with the attack on the World Trade Centres.

The press and entertainment channels like CNN and FOX NEWS report the lies handed out by the administration like poisoned apples to Snow White. They don’t check the validity of his statements or the strength of his medication. I on the other hand don’t happen to have this essential tool to manipulate public opinion and scare them into supporting my actions. My claim that the American Secret Service is presently training fish to swim over to England and piss on our chips has not yet been splashed across the newspapers of the land. The media is in fact, ignoring me. So, I’m relying on you to spread the panic as best you can. It will probably help if you say that they are Islamic fish trained by Al-Qaeda; I won’t make the obvious pun about one of them being called Salmon Rushdie. Make the lie as big as possible. Tell them we’ve discovered that Santa Claus is a terrorist; the signs are there if you look; he’s got a beard; he’s a foreigner; his name is an anagram of Satan; Satan is actually a name that originated in the Middle East; he sneaks into the country undercover and...

Hey, wait a minute. Damn…

I think this Santa Claus guy needs to be asked a few serious questions. There’s the matter of toy smuggling and the WMD in his possession; and why did nothing come supplied with batteries when I was a child? Instead of Osama Bin Laden, we need to know about Osanta Bag Laiden. This will also stop people asking too many questions about the connection between me and Bin Laden.

There are actually no connections between me and Osama other than neither of us are likely to become Pope anytime soon.

Bush on the other hand has a lot in common with Osama. They are both funded by the Bin Laden family and have brought about the death of thousands of civilians. They both claim to be doing the work of God, which is very considerate of them.

But enough of that:-

Lies

Feed them to the piranha swimming in the press pool; give them to the bottom feeders of the journalistic world and they will disseminate misinformation and distortions of the truth to the populace.

You get the idea.

There is an interesting quote:-

Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger; it works the same in any country.

The quote is from Hermann Goring, one of Hitler’s Nazi henchmen in the despicable regime that brought us World War I and the popular sequel World War II. Remember this. History only repeats itself if nobody listens to what it tried to teach us.

Oh, and if anybody doesn’t like my idea, or I don’t like the look of you, I’ll lock you up, without a trial, put you in solitary confinement for years, without you knowing what you’re guilty of. My argument for your incarceration will be ‘if you weren’t guilty, you wouldn’t be in prison’. This is what the American government has given itself the power to do, so I guess I’ll just inherit the system. I won’t keep it. It’s yours, or at least it’s being done in your name in Guantanamo Bay.

May I suggest, at the very least, a name change? I’m thinking something with a bit of glamour like Guantanamo Bay Watch. You can put it on TV and have the stars of the show run around, scantily dressed and naked...

That’s already been done in Iraq by the U.S Military in Iraq. You probably saw the pictures of the woman soldier, humiliating the prisoners, dragging America further into the gutter with that dog lead. It’s a pity really, because she got sacked from the show on Prime Time T.V and will now only have a role on Cell Block H. At least, I hope so.

But not as much as I hope you all come up with a way to get your country back, before I have to come and rescue you.

I’ll try and have you all liberated before next Thursday at the latest; but first of all I need to track down Santa Claus. Or should I say Osanta Bag Laiden. Did I mention he was in possession of a WMD; Codename Rudolf; a Weapon of Mass Distribution? No stone will be left unturned in the search for this threat to Democracy and Freedom and the way of life we cherish. I’ll find him even if I have to beat the crap out of each and every one of his little elves.

Then I’m coming for you.

So, hang on America, liberation is on the way.

Best wishes

Geetan

And as I said before...

Peace