You get a first class education and you will modestly admit to be one in a million. Several million, even. You excel in some field of human knowledge. You've beaten off the intense competition of your peers to become an astronaut.

And what are you doing right now?

Sitting in a posh box, drifting in space, drinking piss.

Makes it all worthwhile somehow.

Of course, I mention this in reference to the fact that the recycling machine that converts urine into drinking water has malfunctioned on the space station presently circling the earth.

Makes me wonder how they discovered it. Were they sitting round drinking tea when one of them said, 'is it just me or does this tea taste like piss?'

And how would he know it tasted like urine?

Well, from the last time it malfunctioned I guess.

I wonder if they ever have a moment where they think, 'hey! this chocolate tastes like sh....'

I'm glad to be Catholic for one reason: I'm not required to have some stranger lop the end of my penis off. Apart from that, I quite happily ignore it. The church, that it, not my... well, you probably gathered that.

Every now and then though, it issues forth a statement as foul as the contents of a cow's large intestine after it's had a night out on the juice. Get this: the church is to vet all candidates for the priesthood to eliminate anyone who might have what it describes as 'deeply seated' homosexuality.

This is according to Cardinal Grocholewski, Prefect for the Congregation For Catholic Education. Symptoms of homosexuality, according to the guidelines, include symptoms of immaturity, unclear sexual identity, difficulty with the celibate life, excessive rigidity of character and lack of freedom in relationships.

So, essentially, if your balls haven't dropped, you're not stereotypically male, sex occasionally flits across your mind, you're a slave to dogma and you're not a swinger, don't even think of becoming a priest.

The guidelines state, 'it is not enough to to be sure that he is capable of abstaining from genital activity.'

So, if you've ever woken up in the morning with a boner, bang goes your shot at being the Pope. Especially if the boner isn't actually yours.

Seems fair to me.

Or maybe not, because there is a bit of a double standard going on.

It would seem that if you kissed a boy in your youth, you are not allowed to become a priest, whereas if you joined the Hitler Youth when you were a boy, you can still become Pope.

Is it just me who thinks that is a little odd?

I went, the other day to pay a speeding fine. Of course, I wasn’t actually speeding, but I did wonder why the trees were going by so fast (how come they never got a ticket?).

Anyway

Whilst waiting for the penalty points to be added to my licence at this particular government office, I noticed they had a suggestion box. Naturally I had one or two in mind, though nothing I would want to put in print, and certainly nothing that would have been possible without the official bending over and gritting their teeth whilst I looked for an umbrella; but I noticed, there was no paper in the slot below the suggestions box.

That tells you all you need to know about that.

I peered into the box itself and could see one torn piece of paper, ripped out of what looked like a telephone directory. On it, I could just make out what had been written.

It said, or may I say, suggested, ‘why don’t you provide some paper to write on, you stupid bastards.’

Quite.

 

The US Geological Survey (USGS) estimates that there are ninety billion barrels of oil yet to be plundered, I mean tapped, in the Arctic. Naturally, with so much of the planet being raped and pillaged for its resources, many environmental groups have voiced their concerns about the effect this discovery will have on wildlife.

The USGS says the area has three times as much untapped natural gas as oil.

The Arctic holds 13% of the world's undiscovered oil, 30% of the undiscovered natural gas, 20% of the undiscovered natural gas liquids and 99% of the ice cubes used in the fizzy piss MacDonald’s call a Coke.

 Despite the concerns of the environmental groups and several polar bears that were seen packing their bags, I have complete faith in the integrity of the oil companies not to put profit before the general wellbeing of every living thing on the planet.

In the meantime, in another news story, the CIA have said they have reliable intelligence information that Nanook of the North has been stockpiling Weapons of Mass Destruction cunningly disguised as fish.

 

Prince William is on a two month training course with the navy. We are told he will be on the HMS Iron Duke intercepting drugrunners in the Caribbean.

Why can’t he just buy his drugs off some guy in the pub like the rest of the young men his age?

Perhaps I’m missing something...