God here

Well… here, there and everywhere, really

I just thought I’d pop in and make a few things clear.

I was reading The Independent, and I came across a report quoting the President of the United States . Very nice name, by the way; 'United States' the last time I looked at the place, there were men with feathers in their hair hunting buffalo and it was called something else entirely. But, that’s progress for you.

The thing is, this quote from your President, implicates Me, you see, and it’s just not on. He was quoted as saying ‘God would tell me, ‘George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan’ and ‘George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq.’

Now, really, this is a little unfair. I’ve got better things to be doing than speaking to George. The reason why I gave you the commandment ‘DO NOT TAKE THE LORDS NAME IN VAIN’ is not because it’s like somebody continually ringing the phone when you’re in the bath; No, not at all. It’s so I don’t get associated with things like this. I can understand when people use My name, or that of My Son, when they drop a rock on their foot, but when they drop a bellyful of bombs on some of My most beautiful creations, namely, human beings; it’s a cause for concern.

It’s almost enough to make Me regret not giving the dolphins opposable thumbs. Still, in My infinite wisdom, I knew they would not use them to evolve with. Instead they would have just used them to give each other the thumbs up whenever one of them did a particularly spectacular leap.

Now… where was I…?

Oh yes...

... Everywhere

Now look. I know most of you have evolved mentally and, intellectually speaking, crawled out of the sea and off the beach a long time ago. So how on earth you ended up with this idiot as the head of a nation is quite something. I may move in mysterious ways, but not as mysteriously as the way you humans vote.

As I see it, this man is quite insane and taking liberties with My name. Let’s get this straight. I did not speak to George Bush. He should not be using My name to justify his actions. Put it this way, if you can’t use that defence in a court of law, how can you use it just because you’re the President? If you steal money off the gullible and the vulnerable and you say ‘God told me to do it’ you’d be locked up. Either that or you’d be a TV evangelist on another fundraising drive for your twelve illegitimate children and their mothers; and the need to hush up the homosexual affair you had; and that odd incident with the pony.

Really; take My word for it. Saying ‘God made me do it’ is just not a rational thing to say. That’s the kind of defence people use in court if they want the jury to think they are insane. Bush talks as if I in my infinite wisdom am some kind of special advisor to the President.

Well, let Me tell you this. I don’t work for George Bush and he doesn’t work for Me, and I don’t care who his daddy is. Having a powerful father didn’t work for My own Son, so it isn’t going to work for that idiot.

If killing a bunch of people was that important to Me, don’t you think I could do it Myself? Who does George think the Grim Reaper works for? I mean, for Christ's sake doesn’t...

('Yes dad?')

'Oh! Sorry son. Not you, I’m talking to my flock here. I’ll be with you in a minute'.

Sorry about that. What was I saying? Oh yes. The Grim Reaper; he works for Me. I suppose Bush saw pictures of him with the sickle and thought he was an Amish farmer. That’s why he says this stuff about how he has to do My work for Me and kill people in the name of Peace and in My Name.

Actually, now I’ve mentioned My Son, Jesus, I may as well tell you something. He’s getting just a little irate at the idea of ‘Christians’ who supposedly walk in his footsteps, killing his ancestors in the Middle East . Think about it. Jesus was born in the Middle East . He had family there. They married and multiplied and still live all over the Middle East . What? Does George think they all moved to Texas ? Does he think they prefer the smell of bullshit to the smell of camel dung?

Oh yes. And I may as well mention, how come in the films My Son is a white man? Hello! Anybody home down there?! He was born in the Middle East . He didn’t spend 30 odd years covered in sun protection 75+ and live in a tent until he was crucified. My son was not a W.A.S.P. Okay. He was not a White Anglo Saxon Prophet. Don’t get Me wrong. I made you all. Colour is not an issue for Me. I don’t care about the colour of your skin; okay, I’m a little confused about Michael Jackson but that’s beside the point.

I digress…

What was I… ah yes; I was going to explain why George Bush thinks I’m on the same mobile network as his brain appears to be. Well now. There’s the problem; thinking; or not thinking, to be precise. And to be precise is what I Am. God is in the details, as they say.

Let me explain why Bush is under the impression that I AM speaking to him.

Now, for most people, when they think, there appears to be a voice or something like it, in their minds. This, you humans loosely describe as thinking. Just like the way people who are not too good with counting, count on their fingers, most of my flock think with a voice. Just think of it like an abacus for the brain. Pure thought is silent.

But with people like George Bush, the only thing that passes through the void where his brain should be; is the theme tune from Dallas . So, if he hears a voice in his head, a passing thought; he doesn’t recognise it as his own. Some cognitive process deep in the crude oil of his being goes ‘what the… I just heard a voice. Now where did that come from?’

Because he doesn’t recognise a passing thought he grabs it and says ‘it must be God! I have a message from the Lord! What’s it saying... Kill some Afghanis’ and some Iraqi people too, and… liberate… the… something… um… liberate… the…oy…al…I Got It! Liberate the oil from all those camel fucking rag heads!’

See what I mean? The man is a danger to himself and more to the point, a danger to everybody else.

I didn’t come up with the Ten Commandments and then add a section of sub-clauses that said ‘THOU SHALT NOT…UNLESS YOU ORDER SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT LIKE THE U.S. MILITARY FOR EXAMPLE’. In fact, I didn’t come up with the Commandments at all. That was Moses. He was another guy who said I ‘spoketh unto him’. I only met the man once, and that was when he dropped one of the tablets of stone on his foot and shouted My name so loud I popped in to have a look. Apart from that I never even met the man. He asked me if I had anything to cure indigestion so a gave him a couple of tablets, next thing I knew he knocked up the Ten Commandments and said it was Me!

Now if he’d have just left it at that, it wouldn’t have been a problem. It would have been My Word against his but because he put it in writing…well. He had me there didn’t he. I was contractually obliged to be, or at least make the occasional guest appearance at certain events; the opening of a Pestilence, or a wedding and the odd supermarket; but at least I got Sundays off; day of rest, you see.

I then had to spend the next few thousand years waiting for a lawyer who was smart enough to get My Hallowed Name disassociated with the Commandments. It’s not that they are bad. I quite like them, but it’s not My style, you see. I put Nature Itself in place to show you right from wrong, and I gave you a conscience. Why would I need to give you the worlds largest, heaviest, most awkward memo?

So like I sayeth I wait for a few thousand years for a lawyer to clear the whole thing up only to find that when I actually tried to get one, they were either (a) busy defending O.J. Simpson (b) I couldn’t afford to pay the bill or (c) they were already working for Lucifer.

So, what to do?

I’ve got people taking My name in vain all over the place saying I want this, and I want that, but really, I don’t want anything.

UP

And

SHUT

I admit, in the past I have communicated in some strange ways. The burning bush in the wilderness for example, that was Me, but I was only kidding. I have a sense of humour you know. Why do you think men spend their first nine months trying to get out of a woman and the rest of their lives trying to get back in?

Well, I thought it was funny anyway.

So, in summation:

I communicated once through a burning bush in the wilderness

I never communicated through a boring Bush in his bewilderment.

So Sayeth The Lord

Bye for now

Right Moses... I'll pretend I'm talking to the idiot and you whack him