I’m a bit confused here. We are your special creations, made in your image and yet you say humans are a bit thick. If we are thick how come we have free will, and the other creatures don’t?

Well, first of all, let me tell you you’re no more special than any of my other creations. What do you think this is? No one molecule is any more special than any other. All things are equal before me and that is the truth. Look, I’ll let you in on a little secret but don’t go starting another bloody religion with it. The idea that only man has free will is wrong. All other creatures on the earth have free will too. The only difference between them and you is that they know how to use it. That’s why they are in harmony with nature, because they use it correctly. The free will that mankind is so proud of, is just the process of learning how to use it. I’m sorry to have to say this, but mankind is the retard of Creation. You are special to me, but only in the sense of a parent having a child with special needs. What you consider to be the Laws of Nature are in fact trainer wheels for mankind. That is why you go up against them so often.

I find this somewhat hard to believe.

Think about it. Humans kill Jesus and then start a religion in his name. The obvious thing to do would have been to let him live, and skip the religion. I despair sometimes, I really do. I give you my Son and look what you do. It was the greatest of my gifts to mankind. You’re like children who get a present, break it and then end up playing with the box. The dinosaurs could have done better; and what about your leaders? Do you elect the saints and let them guide you? No, you elect the best liars and sinners.

Does this mean you’re not going to send a new Messiah to us?

No, but I had to think hard about it. The original plan was to send you Jesus, who you know as the Son of God, and then I was going to send the rest of the team down.

You were going to send the rest of the team?

Yes; The Son of God, followed by the Daughter of God, followed by the Nephew of God and so on, but after Jesus came back covered in holes they weren’t too keen so I didn’t bother.

Are you serious?

No. In actual fact Jesus brought the energy of the Christ to Earth and it is there to this day. Jesus was the carrier, if you like. He smuggled compassion onto the earth in his heart. The body of Jesus has been recycled and he returned in a fresh one.

The Messiah is back on earth?

Indeed he is.

Can you tell me where?

No. It’s a secret. Can you imagine him turning up and saying, hello, I’m the Messiah and I have come to bring Peace to the world? The earth's military machine would kill him so fast, it would make the crucifixion look like a leisurely sojourn with an acupuncturist. Not everybody would welcome his return.

But surely everybody wants Peace in the world?

What makes you think that?

Because war is a terrible thing

Yes, but only for those who are caught in the middle of it. War is good business for some. The arms trade is one of the biggest, if not the biggest business on the planet. If there was no profit in it, then it wouldn’t happen. Wars are only a way of increasing the consumption of a product, thereby generating more need for the product to be supplied, which in turn brings vast profits to the arms industry. When people stoke the fires of Nationalism or Sectarianism or Fundamentalism, it’s the equivalent of selling salty snacks in pubs, so that the patrons will consume more beer.

Are you trying to tell me that wars are like bags of peanuts?

In a way, yes they are.

You seem to be saying that we have an arms trade not because there are wars, but that we have wars because there is an arms trade. Is this correct?

Not quite. After all, Cain didn’t refrain from murdering his brother, just because British Aerospace weren’t around to sell him Hawk fighter jets. What I am saying is that the arms trade fuels the intensity and devastation of your wars. The arms dealer and the arms manufacturers think it wouldn’t be fair to the shareholders if they did not take advantage of certain people and their propensity towards murder. It’s an interesting moral dilemma isn’t it? Life is so complicated for you humans. In one scenario, you pay someone to commit a murder for your financial gain, and in another scenario, you merely receive a profit, as a shareholder in the arms trade, for the weapon that was used in the murder.

Do you ever think it might be a good idea just to wipe us all out?

No, I can’t say I do. As God, I know that everything will work out fine in the end. It’s all just a matter of time.

But you said you sometimes despair

It’s just a figure of speech; just ignore me; most people do anyway don’t you know. It’s a bit like this. You know when you have watched a scary movie, and even though you have seen it before, sometimes it’s still scary? Well, that’s what the human race is like watching it from my perspective. Sometimes you frighten the bejaysus out of me, if you’ll excuse the expression, but I know you'll get it right in the end.

But you did destroy the earth before didn’t you? What about the flood, and Noah building the Ark?

Look, let’s get this straight shall we? That wasn’t me. I had nothing to do with it. It was just the laws of nature doing their thing. I get blamed for everything. It’s like being an immigrant.

But what about the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs? Surely that was you.

No. Again it was just the laws of nature coming together when it was time for the dinosaurs to go. Mind you, I did try to warn them. As the meteor approached, I sent down my Son… oh, you didn’t know that did you? Yes, I sent him down to earth as the redeemer to warn the dinosaurs that the end of time has come and they should perhaps give a little thought to their spiritual life.

And what happened?

They ate him just before the meteor struck. As the sky went dark, I heard one of the dinosaurs think to himself, ‘truly, this man was the Son of God. He was a good man… if a little on the crunchy side.’

That sounds a little odd, don’t you think? Are you pulling my leg again?

No. In fact there are traces of the memory in the reptilian part of the human brain. That’s why during the Catholic mass, as the communion wafer is being placed on the tongue by the priest, he says, ‘body of Christ,’ and the sinner says, ‘amen.’ Of course, in the time of the dinosaurs, the Dinopriest said, ‘body of Christ,’ and the other dinosaurs said, ‘more ketchup.’ It’s also why the Pope is usually an old dinosaur.

What do you think of organised religion?

I much prefer disorganised religion. It does less damage that way. Organised religion is all too often a business with it’s preachers as the salesmen. It will get to the point where the priest places the holy sacrament upon your tongue, and then he’ll ask if you’d ‘like fries with that?’

Are there any organised religions that you like?

Yes. Football

You like football?

Yes. But I still can’t get over how the English managed to miss all those penalties against the Germans. I’m starting to think the only way they will ever win the World Cup is if they get a miracle.

Could you do that for the English? Give them a miracle during a penalty shoot out?

Yes. I could, but I don’t see what feeding the crowd with a few loaves and fishes would do.

No, I didn’t mean that. I meant can you make the ball actually go into the back of the net for them?

Oh, right. I get you. You want me to fix it so that the English players actually score?

That’s right.

No. Sorry. That’s impossible. I don’t break laws of nature. It sets a bad precedent. Next thing you know I’ll be asked to make the Swiss interesting.

Here is something you might be able to help me with. What came first, the chicken or the egg?

Well, this morning I started off with a lightly boiled egg. I don’t know about you, but I find muesli passes right through me.

Okay. How about this one? Who shot JFK?

I always thought it would turn out to be Sue Ellen.

Sue Ellen? You’re talking about ‘Who shot JR’

No I’m not. Lee Harvey Oswald shot JR

Lee Ha…?? But he wasn’t in 'Dallas'.

Yes he was. It was in the ‘Book Suppository Store’ episode. He played the part of a man who was framed as being the lone sniper.

Look, God, no offence but I think you’re a little confused.

At my age, is it any wonder?

I…eh… don’t quite know what to say.

It’s okay. It’s a good job my Other Half is around to look after all the little details now that I’ve retired.

You’ve retired?

Not completely, obviously, or you’d all just disappear. Ha ha. I guess you could say I’m winding down. The retirement age for supreme beings is sixty five billion trillion years. Bringing the sun up every morning takes it out of you, as you can imagine.

And what happens when you retire?

My Son will take over.

Keep it in the family?

Can you think of anyone else who’s qualified?

No. Not really… what about Nelson Mandela?

Don’t be silly. He’s older than I Am.

You mentioned your other half. Does she have a name?

Naturally; most people just call her the Divine Mother.

And what do you call her?

Doris.

So she works with you?

Well, actually she does most of the work.

That doesn’t seem really fair.

Oh it’s fine. You are all her children. She does it through Love; Divine Love; it’s like human love but doesn’t involve chocolate or fairy stories.

I don’t quite understand. If she does most of the work, what do you do?

Well, I’m sort of… it’s a bit hard to explain really. The best way I can sum myself up is with the two words; I AM

I see.

No. I AM

No, I meant I understand, sort of. So… if you can be described with the words I Am, how does your other half sum herself up?

Oh; she says ‘I Do.’

So it’s quite similar then

I think so, but she usually adds on to the end of it, muttering, ‘the cooking, the cleaning, celestial tides, the seasons, fertility...’ and so on. She’s quite a woman you know. I don’t know what I’d do without her. It was her idea, for example, for me to leave myself little notes around the place to remind me to do those little jobs that I forget to do. You know the sort of thing. Take out the bins and check the best before date on the Milky Way, and so on.

And where do you put these notes to remind you to take out the rubbish?

All over the place; quite a lot of them in Wiltshire actually; lovely place; quite nice for writing on with all those wheat fields.

Hang on… do you mean to say… am I right in thinking that what we call crop circles are actually notes to remind you to put the cat out?

Yes, why?

Oh. Nothing; I’m just a little disappointed that’s all. I presumed they were signs from aliens.

What on earth makes you think they would want to contact you? Humans kill everything, but mainly each other. I am sorry to say that the rest of the cosmos views mankind as something to be best avoided. If you can’t live with each other, it’s not likely you could live with any other sentient beings either, is it? Sometimes it seems, if there is anything human beings dislike more than each other, it’s everybody else; and, not that I want to harp on about it, but when the Son of God came down to you, you crucified him. If you can’t take His hand in friendship, then what would you do with a hand that was orange and had two thumbs? No; I’m afraid contact with other beings will have to wait until you grow up.

But didn’t you say to man, you are given dominion over all other creatures?

Yes, but not to shoot them. I meant to muck out the stables; take the odd thorn out of a paw; scratch behind Rover's ear and throw a stick for him.

And now we come to the last few questions, God. It's been a pleasure talking to you.

Don't mention it. I like a bit of a chat over a cup of tea and a chocolate hobnob.

Will humankind survive into the distant future? The world is so troubled, sometime I wonder what is to become of us. Sometimes we seem so lost and I wonder when will we ever have a society that runs according to spiritual impulse rather than material dictate.

Take my Word for it, it will all work out in the end. Love will find a way. All things are a manifestation of Me. You come from Me, exist in Me, return to Me. You may be suffering, but time heals all wounds.

Time heals all wounds? How do you define time?

Time is the distance, between you and I.

And so humankind will be around forever?

Oh no. I have other plans for you. One day the earth and all it holds will seem so small, because your hearts and minds will be so vast it will seem like a grain of sand.

And if that happens, what will happen to the works of man on this planet?

All gone. Poof!

Poof!? No trace of our civilization? Or all the things we thought were so important we killed and died for?

Well, actually, it won't all disappear. Something will remain.

What?

There'll be a nice set of footprints, preserved in the dust of your moon...