It manages £2bn, that’s two billion pounds of assets. Of course, if I was Pope, I would not be bumped off because I wouldn't be claiming to be the representative of Christ upon the Earth, therefore I would not feel obliged to root out corruption, be it financial or otherwise. I would not piss on anybody’s chips; not when the bank of the Vatican paid me, as the new Pope, like it did my predecessors, the profits from the couple of billion pounds it had under its dark and ancient leathery wing. Forgive the melodrama. I certainly would not want to mention the fact that the bank ‘beyond corruption’ was forced to pay out $241m for its part in the collapse of Banco Ambrosiano. I might feel a little uneasy about the £55.8 million dollars that had accumulated in 2003 from contributions around the world. Then again, I might not. As Pope it would not be my job to rock the boat so I wouldn’t; especially since I, unlike Jesus, can’t actually walk on water. Funny that, but there you go.

Alas…

It was not to be…

I would not be the new Pope. It would be somebody who, when I first heard the name, I misheard and thought it was a chap called Cardinal Ratfinger! Surely he was an arch enemy of Batman? I’m sure the first time I heard that name it was prefaced by ‘The Return Of…’ and it finished with a musical flourish of Tan Tara tan TARAAAAAA!!!!!!

HANDS UP! FOR YOU THE ELECTION IS OVER!


I think he is our first German Pope?

I watched with a certain amount of disappointment at my own lack of success as Batman’s arch enemy was elected Pope. Without hesitation, he chose the name of Pope Benedict and I was pissed off. I’d shaved my manly legs for nothing. Still, I wished the new Pope luck in his new job. He’s not returned my message yet but I understand he’s busy. He did make a statement, as I remember, but didn’t mention me at all, which I thought was a bit rude but mustn’t grumble.

I was surprised at what he did say.

Considering the financial intricacies shall we say, of the Vatican; the Kingdom of Heaven possibly being mistaken for the Kingdom of twelve billion euros, including gold, real estate, securities and artistic treasures; I’d have though the new Pope would have said, right, ‘Open the doors! Let the light into the Vatican . Cast aside the bolts on the secrets of our wealth. Let us be an example of how the world should share! Throw the profiteers out of the church and return it to the people.’

Instead all he seems to have said is the equivalent of ‘oh bugger. This is going to be difficult’. Though I must admit I haven't really been paying attention. He also seems to be admitting that other religions aren’t so bad after all. That’s nice of him. It’s just that from what I knew of the man from reading about him these past few days he seems to be a bit of an extremist in his views and a little unenlightened. It’s not as if we’ve elected Bush as Pope, God Forbid, but I’m a little uneasy. I could be wrong, and probably am, but I can imagine Pope Benedict meeting Jesus and thinking that the messiah was some kind of long haired liberal sandal wearing hippy. He also thinks kissing men is a very bad thing; even men without beards.

Now I really do hope, he isn’t going to waste any of his time doing any pondering on what men do with other men in the privacy of their own privates so to speak. I mean to say; surely he has enough to worry about; war in the Middle East; poverty and child prostitution, disease and global warming; just to name a few. In fact if he spends a single second wondering where men put their appendages I’ll be very disappointed. As far as I’m concerned I don’t care who put what where, so long as it isn’t in me, mine or my tea. I do care that a man in his position, if you’ll pardon the expression, may spend time thinking about something like that, when so many other pressing issues need the attention of a world figure with some kind of respect and moral authority.

The picture above is a little known screen capture from a video taken of George Bush visiting the Vatican. Seconds later, unable to resist the temptation, Jesus slapped Dubya around the back of the head...!

You may think I’m being too flippant here. I assure you I’m not. Just to give you an indication of one of the thoughts that has occupied the new Pope before he won the Papal Lottery, look at this. He thinks that being gay shows a moral inclination toward evil. Presumably that means being straight shows a moral inclination towards good. In which case the proverbial closet that straight men hide in before they ‘come out’ is a lot bigger than I thought. Strange, that, because I didn’t realise the Third Reich was actually a gay club and the Blitzkrieg was a gay pride march that got out of hand because somebody was pushing at the back... Nor did I know that ‘Heil Hitler’ actually meant ‘hello big boy. Give us a kiss’. In fact, not many people know that the faded, black and white footage of the Nuremberg Rally was an early Village People video. They later dressed up as cowboys and Indians and construction engineers because they saw the video and thought it might be mistaken for some sinister fascist regime flexing its muscle. In his favour, I must say the Pope has said ‘It is deplorable that homosexual persons have been and are the object of violent malice in speech or in action. Such treatment deserves condemnation from the Church's pastors wherever it occurs.'

Now I want to tell you something.

Normally I don’t have odd dreams. I’m a pretty boring dreamer overall. However, last night, after writing the previous paragraph, I had a strange experience. Wanting to choose my words carefully, I paused to think; leaning forward a little I rested my elbows either side of the keyboard, chin supported by my knuckles. My hands were clasped together, fingers intertwined, almost as if I was in prayer and then it happened:

I had a vision…

The new Pope had died and stood at the gates of heaven…

(Click here and I will share the Vision of Geetan)