A long time ago, a star rose in the East.

Wise men followed its progress, over desert and dune, ocean and shore, bringing gold, and myrrh and crispy duck. The star passed over Bethlehem, and moved slowly on. That was a bit of a bugger for the three wise men who watched it disappear over the horizon had developed a nasty crick in the neck from gazing up at it. They had been following the star for months but now their work permits had run out. They were about to be deported under the new ‘Bloody Foreigners Act’ introduced by Pontius Pilate.

They stopped at a place called Bethlehem to watch a nativity play and then went back from whence they came. It’ll never catch on, they said.

But the star travelled on, like the Lord of Creation striking a match across the sky. Onward through the ages it travelled. Over the mouth of the Mississippi; over Tupelo; and over Graceland where it stopped, for a heartbeat, to take the king of Rock and Roll away, away, away….

Millions mourn.

Cash flows

But another star rises from the east; no, not the Middle East; far too dangerous. We’re talking about Guyana; chief exports; sugar, bauxite, alumina, rum, rice and timber…and this man.

See the white jump suit; the curl of the lip; the black slicked back hair; the white cape; the echo of Graceland; the memory of Memphis, the eh…chineseosity of the man, if there is such a word..

Ladies and gentlemen

We are proud to announce

ChineseElvis has entered the interview!

I am privileged to be the person who probes this unique entertainer (more about his career in porn later). Chinese Elvis, the star of the video that accompanied the number one song by Elvis, which was fucked about with, (sorry, remixed) by JXL’, is the King of Wok and Roll.



ChineseElvis, what are is your motivation behind the incredible transformation into this iconic figure. Was it your upbringing in Guyana? Was there a pivotal moment in your life that led you down this path? Why did you choose Elvis and not Tom Jones? What is the deep motivational pull for you’re becoming ChineseElvis?

ChineseElvis: Why Not?

Eh….okay. You see, the similarity with Elvis is uncanny. Both are a mystery to their fans which merely adds to the mystique. However, unlike Elvis, when you have seen a ChineseElvis concert, ten minutes later you feel like seeing another one. Odd that. It must be the monosodium glutamate.

Were you nervous or just taking care of business?

ChineseElvis: I am never nervous – after all, my act is called ChineseElvis. When I show up, I am dressed as Elvis and I am Chinese. That’s the act. Anything else is a bonus.

Ever been to Graceland?

ChineseElvis: Not the one in Memphis

What would Elvis think if he saw you?

ChineseElvis: Set meal for four, please.

Do you think Colonel Parker was a bit of a conniving bastard?

ChineseElvis: He was the money making bit.

Did he ruin the integrity of Elvis the artist, while making Elvis the icon?

Elvis was responsible for himself. It’s too easy to blame a 3rd party.

Why did you come from Guyana?

ChineseElvis: It’s where my family come from. There are Chinese all over the world.

(I’ve notified the relevant authorities)

Tell us about smoking dope with James Bond in a war zone and how it came about.

ChineseElvis: I was making a film with Pierce Brosnan in Croatia in 1994 called The Nightwatch and lots of crazy stuff happened. He might remember it differently. But we all had a great time.

You turned down Robbie Williams. What did he want, and why did you say no?

ChineseElvis: I was offered a part as a Thai Policeman in a Robbie video – and apparently I would have arrested him or something like that - but I had an Elvis gig already booked and confirmed, so I decided to honour that. Plus Robbie wasn’t exactly paying a load of money for a 20 hour day, so I thought he should find someone else.

Now, not many people are aware of this, but Elvis and ChineseElvis share something in common, other than the uncanny resemblance (from the back anyway). Both have starred in movies. The artistic ambitions of Elvis were thwarted by the bad scripts he was given to labour through. After the first few films he was never given a part that he could put himself into. ChineseElvis somehow managed to overcome this difficulty and has starred in many films. I asked him about one of these film roles.



Were you actually in Jailhouse Cock?

ChineseElvis: Not to mention Hairy Clambake (and a little known 8mm gay movie Love Me Bender)

Did your experience in Jailhouse Cock come in handy during the film?

ChineseElvis: No, but it did help me get a part in Swallow That Cream (a remake of Follow That Dream)

I haven’t seen these films myself but I believe ChineseElvis had a very sensitive part in these films. Many would say it was due to his natural acting ability. Others put it down to a lack of lubrication and friction on the set. I was going to ask ChineseElvis if he had a small part in these films or a big one but seeing as the translation of his Chinese name, Hyu, is ‘man with large feet and a tiny penis’, I decided not to enquire any further. Having these film roles, and many others, under his belt, it's safe to assume he  is a member of Equity, the actors union; or perhaps, considering his union with other actors,  his member is a long standing Equity card holder (ouch).

Regarding the translation of his name, ChineseElvis says ‘luckily for me, it worked out the other way’

Tony Blair is quoted as saying "...I am only a warm-up act for ChineseElvis..." Considering the fact that it feels like Tony has been screwing the country these last few years, I wondered if the Prime Minister had a little known film career behind him; a remake of Shaft called ‘Shafted,’ where he takes the country for a ride over Iraq. ChineseElvis, like Elvis himself moves in some strange circles. Below is the event where Tony humbled himself before the King.



ChineseElvis: It was at a gathering of Labour MPs for Chinese New Year where his wife Cherie was guest of honour. I was performing as main event. Mr Blair showed up as a surprise at the start of the event before being whisked away.

Possibly by one of the party whips, but that pun is beside the point.

Now, I don’t want to give you the impression ChineseElvis has only been in porn movies. He has appeared in, EastEnders, Casualty, The Bill, One Foot In the Grave, Sweet 'n' Sour Comedy, The Missing Chink, Smith & Jones, Bugs and Comedy Nation. He was also in Miss Saigon (the musical, not the actress).

What part did you play in Miss Saigon?

ChineseElvis: Chorus (and Engineer/Thuy understudy) in the West End of London. 600 shows from 1992-1994 and I still hate it.

Are you still taken seriously as a theatre actor since becoming ChineseElvis?

ChineseElvis: I was never taken that seriously in the first place. I do less theatre nowadays – mostly through choice. My last play was at the Hampstead Theatre in 2003.

What part did you play in 9 ½ weeks?

ChineseElvis: It was “The 1st 9½ Weeks” starring Malcolm McDowall – not the Mickey Rourke/Kim Basinger movie - and I played a money broker called Harry Long. My name comes up at the front of the movie (if you can find it in a basket at a motorway service station forecourt). I am a ‘principal actor’ in this superlative cinematic treat.

You also read the news on the Chinese Satellite TV station, CNE?

I did it for about three months in 1999 – I forget how I got the gig. I think I knew someone who had seen me in a play or something. It was a Chinese News summary of the week - recorded on Sundays in English. I had to do my own autocue with my foot and it was quite difficult because it only went one way and you could not scroll backwards. If I had tension in my foot, then the words just kept on going and I had to try and remember them all until I caught up with myself. It was quite stressful.

Did you travel to China to do this?

Fulham Road

I get the impression you’ve never been to mainland China?

I have been to Singapore, Malaysia, the Philippines and Hong Kong so technically I have been to China. But I have been to the Fulham Road more times than I care to remember.

How big a part is Elvis in your life?

13/40ths

How did you get to work with JXL on the video for the remix of the Elvis song ‘A Little Less Conversation’? (this song reached No. 1 in 2002).

He chose me from hundreds of Chinese Elvii who auditioned for the part. The rest were beaten to a bloody pulp by his entourage and shipped back to China. He treated me nicely, though.

What switched you on to JXL?

Bucket loads of money

What is your favourite song?

Turning Japanese.

What is your favourite film?

Fuji ASA 200 (36 exposures) – but I have upgraded to digital and I recommend you do too.

Did Elvis sell out?

1969 – 1977 – never a dry seat in the house.

What next for Chinese Elvis?

My deal with AOL will be coming to an end soon and I will be looking for another company to sponsor my extravagant lifestyle and pornography collection. I am busy negotiating a deal with a major multi-national company to market their product in China. I will be doing the same over Chinese New Year 2006 for a British food company. I also hope to be doing something in the film business so we will have to see. Whatever I am doing, you can be sure it will be on a scale never before even considered by a Chinese Elvis impersonator.

It’s good to be the King.

And it’s good talking to the King

Ladies and Gentlemen…

ChineseElvis…

Has left the interview….

But you can find him here