Bottom...
Well Don't say I didn't warn you.....
Creation: pop it in the oven and wait a few thousand years....Tell me it’s not true.
I’ve just been reading an article in a respectable publication. It states that millions of Americans believe the world was created only a few thousand years ago. They think the book of Genesis is actually a hard hitting documentary; everything began with Adam and Eve; therefore the dinosaurs must have been around at that time. The world is only a few thousand years old; come off it; wake up and smell the coffee; in fact, forget the coffee, just waking up will do for now. When these people say, ‘hey, don’t treat me like I’m stupid. I wasn’t born yesterday,’, it turns out some of them think they were, give or take a few thousand years. Some of them are even campaigning for visitors to the Grand Canyon to be told it is only a few thousand years old. Stupidity on such a scale can’t possibly develop in such a small time scale. It takes millions of years to be that idiotic; millions of years of coming to the wrong conclusion; millennia of putting two and two together and coming up with three. And Wouldn’t you know it; George is one of the Righteously Ridiculous He told an interviewer that he listened to the authority not of his dad but of a Higher Father, when he was deciding to go to war. Personally, I don’t think he meant to say ‘Father’. I think he meant ‘Fathead’ Now that makes sense…. Woof Justice.... Hey This is nothing He's been doing this to America for years.... The story so far.... If anybody finds a paddle, please ring 10 Downing Street and let Tony know..... The man who invented steak and kidney piePythagoras
That's the name of the Greek philosopher who gave us the concept which is commonly known as ‘The Music of The Spheres’. He also set up a school, which seems to have been more of a commune. The pupils avoided wine, swearing, sexual misconduct, excesses and frivolity; unlike the students of today, most of whom seem to go on to further education with the sole purpose of having as much of these as possible. The pupils of Pythagoras were taught that women were the equal of men which was a rarity in those days. Some of the women possibly considered that he was actually selling them short, but there you go. It made the boys feel better anyway. Pythagoras was a lot of things but he was no sexist; though I did notice there was a vow of silence, possibly imposed when the women entered the school and wouldn’t shut the fuck up when he was trying to read the paper. Eh…that’s just a theory, and I didn’t say it. Pythagoras is known for the many theories he left us with. Indeed it was he who said, ‘the sum of the squares of the two sides of a right triangle is equal to the square of the hypotenuse’. That’s proof, if anything, that he wasn’t the best conversationalist. He discovered the mathematical basis of music, thus setting the principles for the soulless accountants who run the major music companies for whom maths is the only criteria for what they will invest in. But that’s beside the point. What I was going to say is, considering all we observe in the heavens is ‘The Music of the Spheres’, does that mean The Apocalypse is just God doing a remix of a classic tune? The Four Horsemen will be some off the shelf boy band; the sweet one, the sexy one, the moody one and the pestilent one. …okay, maybe not Please take a seat.....Oh.....bugger! I was telling you, a couple of days ago, about my D.I.Y jobs around the house. I was also telling you how bad I am at it. Well, I just slipped another notch down the sliding scale of ridicule by the end result of one of the jobs I thought I’d done correctly. There was a hole A small one About the size of a fist It was just beneath the kitchen window, where a pipe had been fitted some time ago; not by me, I may add. That hole needed filling, and we don’t need any smutty remarks from you at the back there, mate; thank you very much. Rather then do the sort of plastery, concretety, hole fillingy thing, I found what I thought was a quick way of doing it. I found a sort of foamy spray, used for plugging gaps. Perfect. I sprayed it into the hole, and it started to expand, blocking the hole completely within a couple of minutes; job done. Unfortunately, what I didn’t know, until this evening, was that it has kept expanding over the last couple of days. It grew, and pushed itself further, and further, and a little bit more, out of the hole. And now There is a rather large, penis shaped protuberance, sticking out of the back of my house. Oh well At least it gives the birds something to sit on. Poor things look very disappointed to find it doesn't have any nuts hanging from it, what with the weather being so cold. Let me slip into something more comfortable Part Two
Let slip into something more comfortable Part One
Don't be shy......I know you're out there.
At least that is what the site statistics say. Below are some of the locations that popped in yesterday Give yourself a big hello and a squeeze : )
 Here's the deal Sign the guest book or I'm sending Tony round to grab you by the...well, the picture speaks for itself..... Or then again If you don't want to that's fine Sniff.... Oh bugger....I was on the radio last night being broadcast around the nation.
That's good Geetan speaks to the nation; hmm, I like the sound of that. At least It would have been good if that was the way it worked out, but it didn't. My partner was supposed to be on air. She had rung up the newsdesk to dispute the figures some 'expert' was giving for homeless people sleeping on the streets. She was somewhat nervous at the prospect of speaking on air. Her discomfort increased when she heard the caller before her being shredded on air by the presenter for giving his opinion on the war in Iraq. As she was introduced over the air, sweating on the end of the phone, she suddenly handed me the phone and disappeared with chronic stage fright ( bless her ) So, I addressed the nation as a lady from Manchester with a very deep voice Great I'll be on Newsnight next, dressed as the Queen Mother... The presenter asked me at one point if I had heard the news about Manchester United, earlier in the broadcast. 'No,' I replied. I'd been too distracted wondering what the hell I was going to say. 'It went in one ear and out the other,' I said. 'Just like Russian roulette,' was the reply, from the presenter Rather droll I thought Must remember that. 
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